One of the greatest difficulties for people with cancer, or any other major illness, is the constant question of: How are you? -- Do they really want to know or is this just the kneejerk question they've been trained to ask since they were young? Have you considered that every time you ask this question the person who may have been using a lot of energy ignoring their pains and other difficulties has to now think about them? What's wrong with just 'Hello'? Or 'good to see you'?
And when a doctor asks this, isn't that a really stupid question? Would you be there if you were well? Doctors often claim that they don't have time to listen to what their patient needs to tell them, but this has just wasted time. You answer 'Fine thanks' because that's what you've been trained to say. You know it's not true. They know it's not true. So then, after all this, you both have to back track to what you're really there about.
How can you address this? I've been known to say 'Next question'. And if they object to that, that has to be their problem. I'm just trying to protect myself.
And for all you well meaning people who aren't health professionals, here are:
10 TIPS TO HELP PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE COPING WITH CANCER
1. Don’t ask them ‘How are you?’ How would they be????
2. Do say ‘I’m concerned to know you’re having to go through this terrible experience’
3. Don’t say ‘Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you’. They’re really too tired to have to initiate anything. And they’re not going to feel free to call on you for some undefined benefit.
They need you to make specific offers that they don’t have to think up.
4. Do say ‘I’d like to do something for you, while you’re going through this difficult time. I could do 1 or 2 or 3 ----------- Take your pick’. Then, if they acknowledge a particular thing or things you could do to help, really surprise and please them by adding ‘How often would you like me to do this for you?’
4a. If the answer’s ‘nothing’ at that moment, don’t insist. Just tell them, before you go ‘The offer is on the table. Ask me for anything, any time.’ and you might hand them something with your phone number on it too. They need everything made really easy for them – and don’t want to expend the energy to look up your phone number.
5. Don’t place your expectations, or fears, on them :
e.g. ‘Of course, you’ll be all right’
or ‘You’ll live’.
Please don’t say that. That’s not the truth as they are experiencing it.
And - You don’t know. They don’t know. Even their doctors don’t know.
Such statements make them feel you are trying to tell them what they must do to make you feel less threatened. And that’s such an affront, at the very time they feel least able to stand up for themselves.
6. And PLEASE don’t tell them (me) about your aunt/friend/relative or a friend who had cancer. That has nothing to do with them. And all too often these conversations end up with the story-teller finishing with a story about how that person, or someone else died from cancer. OUCH!
Focus on THEM, not on your own frailty. You need to look after your own needs somewhere else. If you must talk to someone regarding your feelings about the threat of cancer, talk to a counselor. Don’t go to the person fighting for their life in the hope that venting to them will make you feel better.[Yes, I know that's not what you consciously meant to do, but that is an underlying cause often not recognized by the person doing it.]
7. A person threatened with death often has a lot of people around them who are so frightened of what this diagnosis means for them – that the ill person may find themselves counseling and generally psychologically supporting others.
We’d all hate to think that any of our actions or words may actually be making life harder for our friend or family member when they are facing the possibility of losing their life.
I know people do this because they don’t know any better. So that’s why I give people ideas for how to do it better, so the ill person can have the space to allow grieving and healing in themselves. And Yes, I have ‘been there’, so I do know of which I speak.
The two most important words you can use to anyone going through cancer, or any other trauma is ‘Tell me’.
That gives them permission to talk to you about what they are feeling and thinking; creates a supportive environment where they feel free to speak of their fears and hopes and wishes. And you may be the only person making this possible for them. In that role you have a value far greater than you can know.
8. Ask them ‘Is there anything else you want to tell me about?’
9. Don't offer advice unless it's asked for - and then only if you've 'been there'. Even if you have had cancer yourself, be careful to remember it’s their situation you’re talking about at the moment – which may be quite different from your own. So – First – Don’t tell – Ask! And act only on their answer.
I found that those people who had actually had cancer never transgressed these boundaries. If I wanted information about their experience, or how they’d coped with something, I had to ask them. And then I knew that what they told me had relevance.
10. Ask ‘Do you want to talk about your cancer?’ If the answer is No, you might say ‘That’s all right, I’m happy to let you lead the conversation into whatever you’re comfortable with.’
Sometimes this will actually lead them into speaking of their thoughts and feelings about what’s happening to them, if that’s their need. If not, just know that you are giving your friend, family member, whoever, the chance to have a break from what is weighing them down. Remember, they’re not only a cancer patient – they are, in most ways, the person they always were, with the same interests and ability to get excited about the things that have always interested and excited them. What a blessing!
And for yourself - Think about this:
When you’ve been threatened by the possibility of dying REALLY SOON, life takes on a different meaning.
[ And if you are the one trying to stretch your personal resources beyond your own cancer, this last bit is also a gentle reminder for you. ]
It’s not just about whether we live or die. It’s about how fully we live This Moment, of This Hour, of This Day. Because, when you live each moment consciously your life feels longer anyway than if you were living without paying attention to this time you are given.
Don’t give away the ‘now’ by concentrating so hard on what you want or plan for your future that you don’t notice what’s happening right at this moment.
Live the life you have, inspired by who you are way down in your spirit. And remember, of all that makes life worthwhile, love is the greatest - whether it's someone else loving you, or you loving them. The power of love goes in a circle, it enriches those who receive and those who give.
Life's a gift, for however long we have it. Love each day for itself and when you come to the last one you'll be able to count the good fortune of having experienced it fully.
I wish you all much love and kindness if your own life. And remember the advice given by flight attendants 'Put your own oxygen mask on first'.
Want help or advice? send me an email berylshaw@netspace.net.au
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